For most of my childhood, I was brought up in the Pentecostal church. My grandmother, especially, insisted that her grandchildren needed a strong moral orientation to navigate the evils of this world, predicated on the Judeo-Christian value system. I agree that the Judeo-Christian philosophy is an excellent foundation to teach values and morals from, but my reservations come in where the application of the philosophy is concerned; particularly around sex.
In my humble opinion, sex seems to be that sin that is permissible in marriage but still within certain limitations. These limitations seem to dictate the very manifestation of sex, even after permission is granted through marriage. With these limitations, it is therefore still (subtly) treated as a sin. I can’t speak for all interpretations of Judeo-Christian philosophy, but the predominant Jamaican interpretation would want to have us believe that sex is not as important as the “worldeans” have made it out to be.
What I have come to observe, is that today’s children of the former generation that was subject to this miseducation about sex from the church are thinking in the same vacuum as their parents. Specifically, I’m speaking to my millennial brothers and sisters here, attached or detached from the church who are content in their unfortunate belief that sex is unimportant in the courting of a mate. Some have argued to me, very convincingly too, that the education, income level, job security or spending habits are much more important considerations when courting a mate. To that, I say, absolute nonsense!
Let’s start at the root of the problem, which is the miseducation of sex. What is sex to you? I can bet your answer to that question was either:
- a graphical depiction of sexual intercourse
- the churning of gears in your loins you feel when you see a certain person
- an episode of gyration from our hypersexualized dancehall culture
- all of the above
The Oxford dictionary The Oxford Living dictionary/sex defines ‘sex’ for us aptly as:
Either of the two main categories (male and female) into which humans and most other living things are divided on the basis of their reproductive functions.
So sex, as a construct, is simply a classification – to make the understanding of humanity easier. Now, let’s see what the derivative of sex i.e. sexual intercourse is defined as by The Oxford Living Dictionary/sexual intercourse:
Sexual contact between individuals involving penetration, especially the insertion of a man’s erect penis into a woman’s vagina, typically culminating in orgasm and the ejaculation of semen.
A far more vulgar definition than its original and that is because it is supposed to be. Sex is the theory, but intercourse is its application. But what stands out for me the most in this definition is not what the penis is supposed to be doing to the vagina, but symbolically what that action represents: a connection between two people. So Sex, in essence, is about connection. It’s about people being able to connect in a way that produces mutually inclusive happiness. How can this not be more important than the person’s education or income level? Wouldn’t you at least want to connect first before exploring anything else?
It’s unfortunate what is happening to sex and what it means to be sexy in our culture. Unfortunate, because we are arguably one of the most sexual people on the planet. Our music, our dance, our politics, our commerce, our very expression is sexual and many nations envy us for the mere fact. But some of us, by virtue of our miseducation, still find it difficult to appreciate this quality.
We, humans, are all primal by nature and it’s evident in how we respond to the various stimuli in the environment. If the sun hot, we feel hot; if the time cool, we feel cool; and if it is raining we feel wet. It’s the same way if someone is sexy we feel a euphoria, best described by some as goosebumps or lightheadedness.
Sexy for me, doesn’t have to be sexy for you. It’s a very personalized experience that each person will have as a result of their socialization. So in thinking about relationships, we must be mindful of our sexual value system and prepared to articulate it definitively in the courting process. It’s time we start having these conversations with ourselves, to find out what our unique flavour of sexy is; and if currently, that which we are projecting to the world will attract a compatible flavour of sexy to make for a great (sexual) connection that we can build from to have great relationships, marriages and lifetimes together.
I know my analysis feels very objective and might be prompting some indifference in your mind where your standards for dating are concerned. This is actually good. You’re coming into the light, and soon enough you’ll realize that the courting process is very much an objective one. When you see someone for the first time that you feel connected to, that is a sexual experience stimulated by objective variables native to that person. How the person deports themselves, their charm, their smile, skin, hair, make-up and even feet all start to compete for your brain’s approval before the person even says the first word.
I will leave you with a verse from the Bible, Genesis 2:24-25, which says:
“Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed“
As is implied here, man would have to know his sexual flavour and the woman would have to know hers, for him to hold fast to her and become one flesh. Be not ashamed my friends, sex is very important.